Its been...2 weeks..more than 2 weeks, since I last wrote in here. *clasps hands together*
2 weeks since I last had energy to write here.
2 weeks since I knew what it was like to live problem free.
2 weeks is too much for so much bullshit to happen.

I'm not gonna replay what's happened. Janey, I'm here for YOU.
Princess, this entry is for you.
I'm still here, I haven't gone anywhere, I've just been quiet, trying to suss out my thoughts, my needs, my LIFE.
Lydia is gone.
I'm dead to Amy.
*looks down* I no longer know what I want or what I need.


And yet...I like it.
Janey, you're my inspiration, baby.

Bird.

I've finally come to terms that when it comes to Lydia I'm destined for Failure. But let's start at the beginning.

Arrive at Sid's at 7pm and am surprised to see I'm one of the first few to have arrived so early. All throughout the night people complimented my new hairstyle so I must've, yet again, done it right.
Oh hold on..feeling sick....*closes eyes*....
Um..It took awhile for the party to get fully going, and although I went there not expecting to get boringly drunk, let alone drink at all, I surprised myself by getting pretty damn shitfaced. Lydia had come alone and I kept catching her looking at me.
My barriers were fucking UP.
Amy arrived and wanted to fuck my hair. Matt Kelly and I ("married") upgraded our kisses on the cheek to the lips and he said I tasted really good ^_^ (gotta love strawberry lipbalm).
I went cow tipping with Sid, where she told me, quite drunkenly, that she likes this guy called Greg and he likes her back. I asked "Have you two hooked up yet?"  "Not yet"  "Good, because I'm kissing you first."  "Okay!"  "Wai-what?! Now?!?" "Yea!"
and so our lips met and it was so good, way better than the first time we kissed on New Years 2007.
That started my kissing streak of that night, and as you know, when one is drunk they tend to hit on everybody, no matter how gay they are. I didn't realise until his tongue was in my mouth, that Leo was serious about hitting on me. He was sober, knew what he was doing, knows I'm GAY, and also knows he had his fucking chance to have me back in 4th form.
*Flaps hands* Anyway, so I'd hooked up with Leo, Brooke, Sidney, Amy aaand Matt. With leo I pushed him away, he was only meant to get one on the goddamn mouth, the fucking pervert :D.
Brooke, I've been there twice before, always one to go back to.
Mmmm Sidney. Best friend kisses are pretty damn sweet.
Amy...Yyyyea about that. I knew it was coming, and I welcomed it with open arms. My forehead is furrowed in trying to remember but I lead her to Sidney's dark backyard and kissed her..pretty passionately but she was all "People can see! Lights! Lights!! Ehhhh!" so I stopped and left her on the ground and walked away with a "Call me when you stop giving a damn about the lights and more about my mouth, yea?" (When I'm drunk, I say and do what I like....).
Matt, I didnt see that one coming either. I'd kissed his mouth and was smiling up at him and he said "Umm..wanna kiss for real?"  "..Sure, why not."
He kept high-fiving me all night for all the hookups I recieved, like it was because of HIM that I was getting them *eye roll* :P Bastard.
At one point, I was in Sid's sleepout with everyone, with my pants undone and the turtles on my underwear saying hello to whoever passed by and saw. It was a trend, because I remember I made everyone else in the room do it too.
Yay for open crotches.
Then we had cleavage competitions and hahahah these boys just won't quit. At one point I was sitting in the middle of Leo and another friend (pretty looking) called Tom and it was practically a fake sex fest on that couch, and it got me wondering "....How long will I stay gay? I mean..I think I can feel myself slowly ebbing away from it and going back to bisexual..." but then I shook my head and drank some more.
What a thought eh!
Honestly.

Next thing I remember is taking off my bra. I've never done that before when drunk, so why was this different? Maybe for the fact Lydia was standing in front of me , and Matt was there too, and the possibility of her touching my bare breast was irresistable. So I whipped that goddamn thing off, and Matt gets straight into his fondling, with Lydia a close second and, as a joke, I say "Hahah nah man, I want you UNDER my shirt."
WHOOSH, she didnt even hesitate. Her hand came fully, warmly, up my shirt and gently grabbed my breast and I fell forward to lean against her, partly because I was laughing  from shock and partly because shivers or warmth and arousal were shooting up my goddamn spine. She wouldnt let go...

When I pulled away from her she kissed me.

In that short second, my barrier that I'd built up for a whole fucking month, just...shattered completely. Whilst she's shrieking at Matt "THAT DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN!" , because Matt saw who's fault it was and knows that Lydia has a goddamn girlfriend, I'm walking away to get my bra back on, hurt and confused.
What the FUCK was she thinking?!?!?!? With Matt following behind my to guard me in the dark while I put my bra back on I ask him quietly "..You..you saw that right? SHE kissed ME?" "Yup, all her doing." "Fuck."
This had to stop. Or continue. So I demanded she walk with me so we could talk, and I assured her it would be completely neutral, I woulnt rape her (Though I'm pretty sure she'd be fucking willing.)
Leo came too, and we walked into the dark, into Sid's orchard where we sat and let everything go.
Mainly we talked about my letter, and in utter horror, I found out she thought I hated her.
I almost slapped her to wake her up, that..th-*grinds teeth* that. letter. was meant. to bring her. BACK to me.
And I told her that like a thousand times but she had somehow convinced herself that I thought she was a downright dirty, low creeping, motherfucking bitch who has no heart or any brains.
I tried to tell her that her imperfections made me want her more, and if she didnt listen, Leo sure did. I try, now, to put myself in his position, and I'm overwhelmed with confused tension. Its like...Lydia and I both want each other, and I seem to be striving TOO hard,w hereas she's not at all, but wants to...but cant..
Its fucked up, I dont blame you if it doesnt make sense.
It ended badly anyway, she walked off, than I did. I found Sidney and before I realised, I'd burst into tears.
Seriously, it had to stop.
We sat in this ditch, in the dark, and it was a good cry, one of those silent painful ones. Then people walked up behind us, Lydia also, and I hoped she'd seen.
And I think she did.
My eye makeup was ruined by then and as we got up, when I'd felt I'd had enough, Amy came along and saw my face. Before Sid could react, Amy had grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards this wooden fence to interrogate me. All of a sudden I felt so tired. My energy was slowly seeping away, I think it was a bit after 2am but for all in the world it felt like I hadnt slept in days. But I wasn't sleepy, I just felt extremely stretched.
She demanded I tell her what was wrong but she knows I'm as stubborn as a concrete wall so she never found out. She did ask if it had to do with Lydia and I think I said "Those days are over Amy."
I find myself then dragged down to the orchard again (Geezuz, am I a dog on a leash?!) and she pushed my into one of the aisles of trees and kissed me. "Oh shit", I thought, "She wants this now, when I feel so exhausted.."
Breathless, she amazes over the fact she made the first move ever in her life, and we end up getting as intimate as two lesbians can without toys or whatever.
She wanted more of course but eventually I told her it was wrong, and I ninja-ed my way out of there and escaped back to the safety of lights where "cheer up sex" didnt exist.
I leant against the cooling wall of Sid's sleepout. Oh god, so I'd been kissed by the girl I thought would never come close to me again, and then just fucked my ex who I no longer wanted.
What the hell was wrong with me.
I was actually standing underneath the most brightest, obvious light possible so when Jen came and saw me she mothered me up, licked her fingers and whatnot to get rid of the smudges of eyeliner and mascara of my face.
When she was done clucking over me Lydia came out the sleepout, saw my face and stood there and murmured "Where did you go."
"Amy dragged me to the orchard and gave me cheer up sex but I feel slightly raped."
"Why were you unhappy?"
And I just looked at her and I think she got it.
Yea, You.

I didnt really talk to Amy much the rest of that night, not because I didn't want to but because my silence had become pretty extreme that there wasn't much left for me to do but sleep.
But I still wasn't tired and I'm usually dead in the head by 3am.
So Matt and I decided to have a bath together. I was wearing my bikini and he his underwear and we sat in the bath till we went all wrinkled and had possibly one of the best talks I've ever experienced. It was all the bath's doing. It was mainly me just elaborating Lydia's bullshit.
I went to bed after we were done. Or..at least I WANTED a bed and when I thought of one bed that might still be free because no one really knew of it, who do I find already on it but Lydia.
By then I was at my limit and I didn't give a shit what she thought, I climbed on that bed with my sleeping bag, faced the wall and pressed so close against it, to leave as much space between her and I as possible, that the wall and I were practically one. But her elbow was in the way, and just to show how less a crap I gave, I lay on it and didn't budge until I decided.
And I know neither one of us slept properly that night. We've slept together before, and I think because of the other's presence, we sleep in fits because we're so goddamn aware of..thoughts.
When I did drift off, I'd wake up each time to find her closer. At one point she'd actually gotten under the sleeping bag and her legs were spooning mine but the top half of her wasn't. The warmth was incredible but I moved a bit more against the wall so that we weren't touching as much. I wanted her to think I was mad at her and that I didn't want to spoon (Oh god, I wanted it so bad..).
I wake up again to find our legs were touching again, mother of god she was persistent.
But I never knew what went on it that girl's head that night, never will, unless I confront her, but it was...nice. I mean, she could've chosen to turn her back on me and sleep on her edge of the bed but she didnt.
I woke up for a nature call and crawled back in and spread the sleeping bag more evenly across us but still didnt touch her.
She woke up and left, but wtf is this sixth sense, I felt her look back as she leaved.
7am. I got up, alone, disoriented slightly and so tired I almost threw up. Is that possible? 
I walked out of the room and there she was sitting in the lounge and she watched me walk out and back in again. I know, because I saw. And felt. (*hands on face* Am I a freak?!)
Once I'd folded up my sleeping bag I called my brother to come pick me up straightaway, I had to get home.
As I waited, I sat in the lounge and watched TV whilst sitting on Leo and goddamn Lydia keeps looking at me. What IS she thinking?!? I furiously wonder, and must she constantly stare at me?
But she wasn't the only one. 
Amy.
Well I hadn't forgotten what we'd done, of course but I hadn't exactly had room to think about it in bed because I was too physically aware of how warm Lydia was making me, inside and out.
Leo kept holding my hand or putting his arm around me and it was comforting, but maybe I should be reading slightly more into it?
Lydia saw us cosying and couldn't help but comment. She also noticed the way I wouldn't look at her anymore, or kept looking out the window for some kind of escape whenever she swished her eyes my way, which was a LOT, I'm telling you.
Her story will most likely be different.
But I just want to grab her gorgeous face in my hands and glare at her and say "I dont hate you!!!!!"
Because I dont! And I dont know if I love her. I dont want to. I cant..
Leo actually asked "Do you love Lydia?" during our little encompassing circle in the orchard, and I didnt reply.
Yes, no, yes, no, yes, NO.
Yes- because obsession, passion, comfort, security...it was all there. I've hunted down stuff to find out more about her, I had the symptoms of Love.
No- because..well I'm 17 I...*weakly argues* I can't love her...I dont want to scare her..
And so there is no answer.  She took note of the large silence I gave, but what she thought of it, I wouldn't know.
I came home racked with sorrow. I feel I have to start all over again for something that never existed. I have to rebuild my barriers, and somehow fix this mess I feel I'm in.
I half expect her to txt me. But instead it's Amy bombarding me, worried she wasn't good enough. She knows I can't reply as I haven't topped up but even if I had..I dont think I would have.
So Lydia and I are basically on the same terms here, but with different people: We're both bitches.
And she, too, thinks that Amy and I are one in the same, the way I think of her and Amy!
Honestly, its so hard to explain.


I'm cold, and emotionally sick, and so very sad.
Maybe when the sun comes back, so will my self assurance.



Bird.

PS. Sorry for the book-length entry. I have left some other details out that are kinda important but I'll leave you with this for now.






PPS. Considered suicide for a few minutes, but I have enough sense to overule such stupidity.

Wow, yes indeed it has been awhile, I dont even remember what I wrote in my last entry.
Its due to lack of amazing adventure in my life right now, but I'm going out tonight and maybe something fantastic will happen, I dunno.

Although, my appearance has changed :)
No longer am I that girl with the dark brown/light brown/blonde streaked super saiyaan style hair. Oh no ma'am, in the spur of the moment on a Wednesday, I believe, I went into a NEW hairdresser (I'll make it up to you Mane Tamers, Honest) called Advance Hair Studio and got extensions.
Does it make you shiver with lust?
As it should.
The top of my hair is still short, though my fringe is now growing wonderfully full and long, but now my rat's tail has extended itself to the middle of my back instead of the end of my neck.
Truly, I have devoted myself to becoming an Anime.
But the extension was a slightly different colour to my normal hair so I dyed my hair a "Intense Dark Brown" as the Garnier box implied, and I'm back to my old colour, just darker.
Quite possibly, I'm now more in love with myself than ever XD.

Mum hasnt noticed though. I havent shown off the extensions just yet, so I tuck them down the back of my shirt, but honestly, from heaps of blonde to dark dark brown, you'd reckon she'd freakin notice.

Nope.
Oh well, she will in good time I guess.
Party tonight, shall talk more later.


Bird.

Just saw my NCEA Level 2 results. I failed 3 papers and my Art Portfolio Board, which I'm really confused and aggravated about because MY report said I'd PASSED the fucking thing, I DEMAND JUSTICE!

*breathes heavily with clawed hands*
Okay....
Okay.

I'm kinda afraid of what my mum will say. She's one of those people who, no matter HOW good you do, she only sees the bad stuff. So my "Not achieved"'s will shine out like a beacon and blind her and blur the images of my Merits.
Ehhhhheeeehhh save meee.


Finally achieved my Last Year's New Year's Resolution though! I got to $3000 thanks to my Tax Refund, and so now it's just save save save to Singapore ^_^

That shall be an AWESOME holiday.

I feel I have more to say but I dont...well! Off to go watch some DragonBall Z that I rented!!! XD


Bird.

Ok so my mum has Laryngitis. And now I, spawn of her womb, has it also.
But only mildly, due to my addiction to vitamins.
So I'm not gagging or vomiting due to that gagging. No my coughs are dry, ticklish and my favourite feature: I'm losing my voice.
FINALLY!!!!!! :D Dreams DO come true!
17 years I've been waiting for this moment, and although it's not completely gone its enough to make me sound like I need a drink of water every fucking second.

Oh there is a God.


Ooh ooh, maybe at work tomorrow I wont have to serve nobody because they'll think I'm sick and think I've contaminated the food. Gotta love being sick sometimes.
But I'm NOT sick. I feel great! Better than ever! No headaches, no yuck stomachy feelings, not too hot or cold, I'm fucking fantastic!
My Larynx is just all nice and strained, aren't ya good boy? *pats*



Bird.

Hahah yes, I got quite bored with the current pictures I have now on LiveJournal, so I uploaded a few more.
My current display pic, and the one I am using for this entry, is of me in my school uniform just after I got my new haircut hahahah look at me!
I look so little!
In fact, I was still 16 then. A lot can happen in a year.
I wish I still had that haircut. Oh, I dont mind the one I have now at the moment, seeing as I did it, but still..that one was awesome. A good mullet, not too filthy and it suited me for sure.
*sigh*
And my hair was so damn glossy then too.

...That is all.


Bird.

Haha I'm here DemonicJaney, don't worry. Nothing interesting has happened at this moment, which is why I haven't been posting.

Amy is so very angry at me :D And she has reason to, but in my opinion, I think she's just stupid. In HER opinion, I'M the stupid one ahahaha.
I did apologize, for like the upteenth time, and she noticed that too and said "You apologize too fucking much."
I'm not gonna reply to that.
And now its her birthday today and I've said Happy Birthday (so I'm...a nice shithead?) so my part has been done.
Maybe we're just not meant to be friends at all. Way too much conflict. We had our fun (and I wish we'd had it longer) and now its over.

Sidney's been asking me to hang out and I haven't replied as of yet, or any of the other times. I dont know why I dont want to, it's just always bad timing. I'm too tired, too lazy, too unkeen, too busy, there's always a reason but I'm sure, to her, it's always an excuse. And now is definitely not a good time because my mum has fallen ill with Laryngitis DX. She's lost her voice and she gags after coughing and I sit here and wince at every noise.
I hate when she's weak or ill. She's supposed to be there as a strong figure, never sick, just...permanent. And, for example, when she chokes I turn around and hiss "Can you like..tone it down a couple of notches?!" because I just hate it so much.
She's not supposed to get sick, ever.



Bird.

PS. DemonicJaney and PigEnergy: Photos of you?

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When you dance with me, it's always to MY tune.

I'll talk about my New Year's eventually but not right now. Not in the mood.
Instead.
There are some things in life that are just too insane. In this case, my passion for dramatic things. But only if I am the one in control. Although, a dramatic, passionate person when I'm in defence, is a huge turn on, I must say. If you've got something to say say it and say it proudly with plenty emphasis, dont hold back and let boredom show. Make me shake, tremble in fear and yet want more.
Make me listen and only make me angry if that's the type of situation I want.
Or, if that's what I've evoked in you.

I speak of that which occured just before. Just off work, I was touchy, and the heat didnt help none. Amy txted and somehow we got to talking about her being in love with Charlie( a girl in England whom Amy has never met), an obsession she put off when she was going out with me, but still and obsession all the same. I wasn't jealous then and I'm not jealous now, never will be, not a second in between. But I did get extremely fucked off at her devotion towards "Love", a factor people seem to be unable to live without. And I agree, it is a...necessity to a happy life. But at this age, at this..this juncture..it's underestimated. 
So Amy txts says "How is our Bird today?"
"Our?"
"Well..I didnt want it to sound like I own you heh."
"You can't own a person unless they personally offer you their heart"
"Then I'm owned."
"Charlie I'm guessing"
"Bingo."
"How is it that Charlie owns your heart yet..you kiss other people."
"We love each other but due to the distance we do things with other people"
"You drown yourself in this "Love" illusion. You and her. You guys kiss and do stuff with other people and have never met. That's not love. That's adolescent bullshit."
Course, she got all defensive even when I warned her not to. Told me I didn't understand.
"No, you don't understand. Love is obsession, passion, pain,a curse and a fucking skill to recognize. It's not just virtual reality, it's LIFE. It's you sleeping at night with someone there forever and more. There is no fear, just truth and fire. You can't say Charlie does all that and then some."
She explodes at this point, screams at me that I have no right to state wether she is in love or not, to fuck off and so I leave a parting remark;
"If you were in love you'd be happy a whole fucking lot more. Think about THAT at night when you dont sleep."

No regrets :) 
I may not have been completely right but where my facts come from, thats Truth entirely. I dont want to impose my view on Love on everyone who claims to me they're in it. But for those that constantly whine to me about it hurting them..it gets to me. I'll giv eyou my goddamn opinion if you're being repetitive (ie. the same goddamn people..all the time. Everytime). Either harden up or leave me out of it, I dont want to hear it, you'll only get stony walls and hissed remarks about how you should've learned.

You should've learned.

What is Love to me? I've never really thought about it, until now. To me Love is...complete bliss...the melt of ice on your tongue in the heat of the day, the...snaking of arms around your waist and the perfect words, always perfect.
It IS complete trust..knowing all deep, dark secrets. Passion, yes, but as in lust. To want them all the time, in a different sense, to go to great efforts to keep interest alive. The glowing of eyes in the dark of the night when sweet nothings are whispered in the ear, the filling of that empty spot, no matter which area of the body it is situated.
Love is no fear. No fear of deceit, no fear of competition, just you and your soulmate.

Your soulmate, yes. But I never say that word. It's cheesy yea...but its still there.
Being contemplated upon...
Desired..
Needed.

So maybe I lie when I say I dont know what Love is. It differs with everyone, an admittance kept silent among myself.
They say everyone is the same then everyone's unique. If everyone's unique then everyone IS the same, and the metaphysics behind it is completely screwed up. 
Perhaps Love applies by the same rules.

I guess I DO know what it is. I've just never seen it that way.



Bird.

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Be sorry for nothing.

Wow, what a night. 
I spent the day with Sidney and her boyfriend-at-the-time Gary. Sly, awesome bastard, you'll find out soon enough. I didnt feel like a thrid wheel in this trio, it's like we were all best friends to one another. At this time I was bisexual and I admit I had a miniscule attraction towards Gary but never thought about it.
Anyway all day we were desperate to come up with what to do that night. Everyone we knew was doing something awesome and we wanted to join them (and were invited) but transport was a huge problem. So we just decided to get drunk at Gary's house.
Got to his house and he started drinking straight away. I sent him out to get me alchohol and he came back with two 4 packs of KGB's and, being a cheap drunk, it was all (and more) than I needed. So whilst him and I giggled and hugged, Sidney watched warily, not a keen drinker due to a bad experience (not rape, god no, just kissing some boy she wished she hadnt. Which is a pitiful excuse to decline the enjoyment of a good beer.) and stayed that way all night.
At one point Gary and I were alone in the room for a few seconds and I sat on him and hugged him and he kissed my cheek and I thought of it as just a friendly gesture.
I was getting pretty shitfaced, being fed double shot whiskey and coke by Gary's lesbian Aunt, who I couldnt help but flirt with. 
I then find myself standing in the hallway walking towards Gary's bedroom to find Sid but before I reached it I bumped into Gary instead. I hugged him (Back in the day I hugged a LOT) and as I pulled slowly away (make your hugs linger, it makes them more special!) I looked at him and he brought his mouth on mine and kissed me. For a microsecond I wanted to return it but instead I pushed him forcefully away and whispered furiously "What are you doing?!". He just swayed there drunkenly and walked away. With hand to my mouth I stood there full of guilt. Although I knew it wasnt my fault AT ALL, I couldnt help but feel waves of shame.
I didnt tell Sidney. I just couldnt, she wasnt happy as it was.
He got wasted before 10pm and crashed out by 11pm I think.

With the kiss echoing in my head, I drank more and more. I ended up being sick 6 times. The first 4 times I'd finish saying "Ok..I think that's it.." but then say "Ohh nope, nope not done.." so by the 4th time I didnt lie to myself anymore and just waded it out. Just goes to show my humour doesnt dissipate when I'm throwing up the night's events XD
Feeling exhausted after all that.."cleansing" I craved a bath.
Already walking towards the bathroom when the "Yeah go for it" was being said, I closed the door but left it ajar in case something happened, stripped and delved in. Ohh it was bliss, and I was so sleepy...
So sleepy, in fact, I actually DID fall asleep. I remember feeling the water close in on my ears and nose but my mind thought "Ahh let it go..you feel good right?" and next thing I know I'm hearing "BIRD! being heavily spoken above the rippling water and I got up angrily and reply "WHAT?!". 

Sidney's side of the Bath Incident is that I'd been in there for 15 minutes and she wanted to check up on me, but wasnt keen on seeing me naked. Knocking on the door she waited for a reply that didnt come. Knocking again, a little urgently this time she called "Bird..?..Bird. BIRD!" Still no answer. Gary's Aunt walked around the house to the Bathroom window and just saw my knees sticking out above the water and tasted fear. When I finally answered Sidney's 5th call, quite ticked off, they sighed relief.
So I had been drowning but..I let it come. It was so peaceful..I was so drunk..so naked, its what you hear in murder stories. 

I ended up passing out slightly and woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and parched throat.
Gary didnt remember the kiss but when I told him a month later when him and Sidney broke up, he remembered straight away and wanted more. I denied him then, and still am denying him. He knows I'm gay now but wont quit.
I told Sidney, when their relationship ended, and she blamed Gary completely. 

So will this years New Years be as eventful? Or will Lydia ruin everything?

Bird.

2nd day of me at my sisters and the light from outside finds me sitting in a pool of Sun, typing inside when I should be out!
Although, I feel ultimately relaxed and not energetic but not tired either..it's a rare feeling.

Haha, Pigenergy, you sure commit yourself when it comes to commenting my journal, I feel slightly confused as to why its so interesting :)
Guess everyone has a different point of view. It's ncie though, I like it, gives me fresh messages in my Inbox XD

No of course I wont show The Teddy on here! I'm over that stage where I need strangers to see more than they should.
I'm sure a lot of people go through that phase, and still are, so I feel no shame.
My friends just dont know about it thats all hahaha.
And never shall!

I watched The Golden Compass last night and regret not having re-read the books because I was wide-eyed and stupid throughout most of the film. I do know, though, that my daemon would be a Bird, (duh, no surprise) but not just any bird, a Falcon. Haven't decided what type of Falcon yet, Peregrin maybe, but that's the only type I know.
Note to self: Study Bird Species sometime.
If The Phoenix existed then that's what it would be!
Alas. They do not.

Oh, but Santa Claus does? Fucking Bullshit.


Bird.

Today, Boxing Day, I spent it with my sister, who is also probably my bestest friend (Dont tell Sidney...).
We shopped all day and she's currently napping her efforts off right now, so that she'll be alert for tonight's movie, The Golden Compass (out today!).
I've had my rest, although you could hardly call it that. Inaudibly listening to Enya in the background to encourage sleep to come, instead I txt argued with Sidney as to why she should NOT be falling for another boy.
Honestly that girl is so frustrating most of the time. But she's cool.
Just pathetic.

Mean huh.

I have a right to say it though. I WOULD tell her if I knew she wouldnt kill herself over it. She used to be strong but hitting highschool weakened her sense of independence and I wanna fuck up the person that took that away from her.

I'm staying at Amy's Friday night (it is now Wednesday..for those that didnt know..) and we're gonna get drunk and I seriously hope her and all her friends that she tells wont expect us to get sexual coz that's not what I want.
We're just friends, I've told her that, and that I'm over her and she's said she's over me but I kinda don't believe her.
The first time I stayed at her house was before our second break up I think? So I still liked her and she liked me..a LOT..and so she bragged to all her friends that I was gonna spend the night in HER bed.
Of course, they all expected me to fuck her brains out and so did she.
All that pressure, and the fact I really liked Lydia, made me nervous. I didnt want to have sex with her, I'd kiss her yea, but it wouldnt mean anything because I just like to kiss.
So when we got in bed together she wouldnt stop touching me. She hardly slept, and I slept in fits and the next day I was a little weird but not too weird. She thought she'd done something wrong but she hadnt, it was nice sleeping with her, I just didnt give any signs of encouragement.
She was more disappointed in herself though because she couldnt summon up enough courage to kiss me. I'd said to her that I'd kiss her if she made the first move, I wouldn't pull away, but she was too shy so she was angry at herself.
I just shrugged it off.

So I'm hoping that this time there will be no expectation. We're gonna get drunk, and whatever happens HAPPENS, to go with the flow is the best way to live, in such moments.


Bird.

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Staring at the clouds above,
I think of she, 
Still to come. 
I play her name, 
Around my mind's tongue, 
But fear discovery around the bend.

Hahahah "lets be loveless together", awesome DemonicJaney, I'm keen as a bean :)

It's Christmas today and my mum gave me a very shocking, sexual, thrilling present: a Teddy.
Some of you may be thinking "...as in..the bear?" but NO. THIS type of Teddy is a one piece bodysuit thats a bra and underwear meshed into one suit. It's completely made of cream coloured silk and lace and it's really meant to turn on whoever you want to have sex with.
Is THAT my mum's intentions?? She knows I'm gay, she should know that its GIRLS that will be seeing me in it.
Or at least some special someone, someday haha if I can be bothered.
But my sister got one too and we both looked at each other and thought "..hot."
Well my sister has a boyfriend to show it off to but who do I have?
The friends I've told so far are all keen to see it, say I have the body for it and I realise how special they are, to be requesting something I probably would show them. :P

But a teddy oh my god, thats what older women with sex lives wear...
Maybe this is a sign that times are about to change.
I've already worn it and I must say...*wolf whistle*
Should I stick a photo up here, like an unashamed whore?
Please Vote.

I got other cool stuff, like body products which I LOVE to pieces, but the Teddy is probably my most favourite gift.
I've read about them and what they can do to a man but I'm thinking WOman here so..
Watch out ladies.

Oh wait. Can't stick that photo up coz the communities I'm joined with will see...
Not good.
Will probably end up on the news and then in jail somehow.

I'd prefer to be in jail AFTER New Years thank you very much.

Bird.



PS: Aang liked my Teddy so much he's gone to have a cold shower.
May join him later.


XD SAD CUNT.

FINALLY FINISHED MY 4 DAY SHIFT AT WORK!
And it feeeeels so good.
I have sudden cravings to just kiss a person though. And get drunk. But really to just lock lips with someone good at the so called "Kissing" Talent.
I dont mean to brag but I've been told quite a bit that I'm good. Lydia said it once to Amy, I dont know why, to get Amy to "like me more" I guess but either that or...to make her jealous?
I doubt it.


Aaaanyway I've been watching Avatar the Last Airbender since I got home (so really for like...4 hours..I have all the episodes created so far :P) and although I'm lesbian I cant help but admit that...I like Aang.
A lot.
In fact, this isnt the first time I've gotten a crush on a cartoon, the list involves:
Krillen from DragonBall Z
Casper the Friendliest Ghost (and Devon Sawa (I think thats his last name) who plays his real version in the first movie)
Uruki, from Fushigi Yugi Genbu Kaiden series who has the ability to manipulate the wind and turns into a woman whenever he does so.

Ive also liked Jeremy Sumpter (Peter Pan) and Spiderman (NOT Tobey Maguire, GROSS) which has now simmered down to a small fondness, like a mother and child :D

Notice how they're all male? I dont get it, I'm gay I tell you but..these characters all have special talents and are drawn sooo well and say the best things that its like...They're what real life doesnt have. I always like them when reality lets me down.
And that happens a lot.

And Aang was there for me when Lydia wasnt. In my head he's everything and nothing, in between and out the sides, he dances with me when songs ring in my ears and the lyrics are his words to me.
He's the ghost on my mouth, the air between my fingers that long to hold his hand and most of all..He's mine.
The comic I draw; him and I belong together and its just so awesome, yet so embarrassing.

At night when I'm stuck with my thoughts, he whispers in my ear that he'll fix me and we fight that which hurts us.
But I hardly dream of him. Its always HER trespassing membranes to make me sad and I wake up and forget Aang for a while whilst I try to remember the thinning strands of my dream, that  break apart as Aang comes back.

I dont love him. I've only ever loved a person once, and never again will I ever be stupid enough to repeat it. No, I dont know what love is, I lie to myself to make it true, I convince others that I dont know what it means, that I'm too young to give a shit and I just want fun.


But now..there's no one around.
I dont want to love anyone. 
I'm just not ready.


Bird. (STILL GAY.)

Hahah Pigenergy, your comment to "The Night of Matt Kelly's" made me mucho happy!!! I barely ever hear the word "charismatic" towards my junk, it's inspiring :)
My entire journal is the Raw Truth, as you so put it. What's the point of lying when my life is too insane for fibs? Besides, I'll never see any one of you here, and I dont talk about what goes through my head because writing is so so much better than talking ever will be so.

There you have it.
All summed up in one, too big a sentence. ^_^

Nothing exciting to say as of yet but do not despair, I shall have something soon most likely, knowing how The Gods like to tamper with my luck, assholes!!!! 

Oh, I started getting drawing ravings at work and so when I got home I began to draw a cartoon version of myself and its quite...sexy. Warrior-like. I'm in a position ready to pounce and in one hand I hold the longest bow ever created. I bear equally sized arrows behind my back and I have no pupils as of yet but maybe I should keep it that way, to emphasise my state of fury.
Yes I'm proud of it.
I dunno if I should colour it in. That may ruin it (I love pencil way more than colour) and oh how I wish our scanner worked so I could show you!
Someday maybe.


Bird.

I find myself enjoying work, if thats all it takes to distract my mind from..other things.
I need this breather. I need this.
Me time.




Just now, I felt an earthquake and I wished it had been bigger so that I could feel afraid. Instead I rode each wave in the thrill of the moment and didnt fear death.
Not that it was huge. Practically miniscule but I dramatize to make things interesting.
Not that my life is often boring either.

I caress the sleek hair of my only dog and watch his tongue lick dry lips as he longs for water. I let him out and stand in the rain, and it feels so common, like every other time. The skies cry on me and I long to drown in it and I fingertip the air, feeling nothing, as always.
I make no sense, no book stands open to me with words that mean something, if anything.
I have 3 more days of work to go, one week of freedom, work again then who knows.
I wish I did.


Bird.



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To distract me from the growing silence I looked down to my lap and began to rummage among the soft colours of candied hearts until I found what I sought. Gazing sadly, I passed it to her and waited. She read "Kiss Me.", sighed and whispered "You know I cant."
"I know that," I murmured "But my heart doesn't."